Ta's stories and the great climbs of Railay

I see this girl walking along the beach. She got a ukulele. The one with the long legs. So I say 'hello' and she say 'Sawasdee', so I say 'sabai dee mai?' and she say 'good thanks how are you?', I say 'good' and she say 'dee'. When I say to her in English she speak in Thai and when I say to her in Thai she speaks English. Crazy na?!



Hello! How are you tomorrow?
(The best answer to which was 'hungover' from one of his mates.)

Hey I buy your camera. Ten baht. It's broken, I take care of it for you.

Hey Sam! Sam! (When I'm halfway up a wall and struggling.) Take your pinky, stick it in your nose, twist it around. This the secret of climbing.

Hey Sam! Sam! (Still struggling, probably the same problem.) Lookit this. *eats biscuit* Mmmmm. Yum yum. I give to you. Hurry up! (Behind his hand - but loudly) I go before she gets down. Haha.

Hey Sam! I seen you on the wall. You good. I never seen that before in my life.


That afro at the bottom is Ta. And you see that little waving blip above the tree? Guess who.

Hey this my friend Sam. She my sister from another mum. Same same. / She taught me to climb. / I got to school with her mum, we in the same class. / She taught me Thai. I from England.

(I don't know where this stuff comes from but it's endlessly entertaining!)


Watch her. She got the long legs. Walk up the cliff.

Hey this is Sam. She a real Thai. She say play pool 5 o'clock. Show up 7.30. Real Thai like me.

(Yeah that one's true.)

Hey man, there a crocodile in your bag.
(Back to the untruths!)


That's where we rappelled out from. We climbed up through the back of the headland through REALLY dark caves with bats squeaking somewhere up in the darkness using only lighters to see where we were going. Ta didn't tell me til we got out the other side that we'd be rappelling down a 60m cliff. That's friendship for you.


Yes I have complete confidence in you Ta but it's me who's lowering myself down this 60m drop!

(To a couple hugging on the beach as we walked past.) Hey don't have sex on our beach ok.

(To every sleeping baby we passed.) To much party last night man. / Too many bucket. / He hungover, I seen him in the club.

(To toddlers.) Hey how's the hangover? / Hey man you walking funny, smoke too much weed.

Hey Sam lend me 50baht. We share bet.
(Later once I'd started winning and him losing...) Hey we sharing man. Don't be rude. Take my money!



Playing poker easy. Give me 50baht I give you 200 back. Hey where'd my money go?
(This after cheating furiously for two hours of poker and being leant/given funds by everyone around the board.)

Ta: Hey! Do you want a story?
(The literal translation of this into Thai is the equivalent of one of us saying "You got a problem?!". Ta asks everyone this and finds it endlessly amusing.)
Me: Yes (always)
Ta: The crocodile eat the monkey, the monkey eat the tiger, the tiger eat the banana. Who wins?
Me/whoever he's talking to: I don't know / the crocodile
Ta: The banana
Bemused person: why?
Ta: I dunno. Coz he not have to do anything? I don't understand this joke.
Me (after hearing it a couple of times): Who told you the joke Ta?
Ta: I made it up.
Me: You made up a joke you don't understand.
Ta: Yes.


F&*%$ing monkey! Give me back my rope. Last time he bit me.

When climbing together.
Me: My arms are knackered Ta. I can't do it. Can you bring me down.
Ta: I gonna tie you to this tree man. Me and Oshri gonna go get a beer.
*Starts tying me to the tree*
*I wait thinking he's bluffing*
*He isn't.*
Me: OK OK Climbing!


The results!